Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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