if only i could text you this smell
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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