He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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