all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
