Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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