i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
