Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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