We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
