Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
4 words: hood of his car
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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