you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize