remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
