Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
