Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
