Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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