Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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