I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
