if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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