Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
