I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
