Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
