2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
