There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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