can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
