I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize