is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Your dad touched me again.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
