I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
