Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
