Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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