she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
