Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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