White coat. Heels.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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