just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
