Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
