you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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