hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
