just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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