I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
