why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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