1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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