Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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