After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
