saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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