I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
