i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Alive.
So much puke
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
