is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
