You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
