I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
