I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
