you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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