You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
