The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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