Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
