I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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