dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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