the condom got lost in my hair
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
