If that was your dad, he is hot
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
