i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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