so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
