i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
