Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
