Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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