Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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