Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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