There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
